2 WEEKS OUT~ MY LIFE, LESS ORDINARY

Where do I start. I've kind of put off writing this today because I know it's going to be really hard. Like the Sunday that I lost my mind and ate everything that wasn't nailed down and didn't want to write about that either. Last week took me places I never thought I'd go....the darkest recesses of my mind....the Spin class studio....a dreamland that looked remarkably like Willy Wonka's Chocolate factory but only carrot coleslaw was available. I don't even  like carrots that much.
I spent an inordinate amount of time sat on my shower floor, feeling the water beat down on my back. Not wanting to turn off the heat that was soothing me to my bones. I feel like as much as the week before I was clinging everyone to me, last week I just wanted to be by myself and find comfort in my routine. I'm sick of talking about my body. Sick of talking about what I'm eating (or rather not eating). Sick of seeing my veins but not my abs. Sick of constantly cooking and eating and not feeling fullfilled. Sick of taking pills and powders. Sick of it all really.
Then on wednesday I had a truely life defining moment. I had been hungry ALL day. By now I'm actually over eating~ it's nothing pleasurable, just something I have to do every three hours. But wednesday I'd gotten up at 4:30am to get to the gym in time for a spin class because my legs were so sore from mondays weight session that I knew I wouldn't be tough enough on myself to do a proper sprint session. I got to 3pm, my usual crash and burn time and sat on my couch staring into space knowing I still had hours of massage to go. I got into my car and because I know exactly what each of my parents have in their pantries at any given time, drove to my dads house where I knew he had a stash of dried fruit for his morning muslie. I ate 6 dried apricots and 4 dates. Yes, that many~ I counted them as they went in. Did I walk straight into the bathroom to sick them back up? Sure I did. Then I caught myself in the mirror. I thought, "If I do this, if I actually make myself vomit, it will change everything that I thought I was doing this competition for." I did not sign up for this level of mindfuck. Granted one of my own making, so then also my choice to leave the apricots and dates where they were (and I made it through my afternoon feeling normal for the first time in days) and elect instead to do an extra hour of cardio that night before bed.
Every friday I massage a gorgeous elderly man who loves to clip articles from the paper for me that he thinks I might find of special interest. A couple of weeks ago he had a piece on women who get into body building/ sculpting later in life. There was a 29 year old, 36 and 50 year old. All amazing looking women who had worked extremely hard to achieve their goals. But the 36 year old said something that horrified me. She said her husband eats what she eats, except with carbs (ie: healthily). Her kids get an entirely different menu altogther....but  sometimes, as a special treat she allows herself to eat the crust off their toast.....If I EVER say anything so retarded as that ~ please let one of you love me enough to put a bullet in my brain.
 I think my friend Bridget said it best this morning when she said that we often shy away from our own success. Like we are comfortable with putting in all the hard work but then get freaked out by the reward and just when we're on the brink of greatness....we drop the egg and can't put Humpty back together again. Also this morning from one of my facebook friends :
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world.....As we let our light shine we unconciously give others permission to do the same, we are liberated from our own fear." Am I afraid? I don't know. I hadn't really thought about it like that. But why else would I be so close to walking away from something that has taken 16 weeks of my life to prepare for? So now I pray for courage. Not the absence of fear or despair~ but the strength to conquer them.
This is the week of "lasts" for me. I can feel very excited about that! My last legs session today. Happy days!!! Adam was all like,"Are you ready for this?" and I was all bluff and bravado, "Hell yeah, show me whatchoo got!" Jesus wept~ I forsee another morning spent with the Spin class freaks on wednesday because my legs are already siezing and refusing to cooperate with what the rest of my body is doing. Seriously, am I the only one who thinks people who LOVE RPM are a different breed? Crazy people sitting in the dark under blue lights, listening to banging tunes, riding their bikes to nowhere....Unfortunately I also have to spend daily quality time with the stairmaster for the next two weeks. C'est la vie if you want an arse you can crack nuts on.
Things that have given me the utmost pleasure this week...my make up trial. I could have felt those brushes tickle my face for hours. I've booked my nails, my tan and in liu of any birthday celebration on wednesday, I'm going for a facial, back massage and haircut tomorrow. My skin is tingling just at the thought of these precious little luxuries. I just hope I don't sleep through the whole bloody lot!
The sunday night once it's all done and dusted I'm having everyone back to my place for a feast. The theme~ THE LAST SUPPER! If you could bring just one meal that is your absolute favourite, what would it be? Anyone who brings white fish and salad greens gets a free punch in the face. For myself, I've decided on prawns, oysters kilpatrick, anything my sister makes and as my desert request......ah mah God~ it could possibly be the promise of these that gets me through the next two weeks ~medjool dates stuffed with fresh pineapple and dipped in dark chocolate...chilled. Hell to the yeah, I've put some thought into this!

This is also my last week of work as I am giving myself the week before comp off to focus, and prepare for what comes next. Can you believe I've not had longer than 3days off in a row since April last year. I'm tired!  Lots of changes to my business are in the pipeline, because amazingly~ I don't expect to know what to do with myself once I'm all done. New challenges on the horizon, all of them positive though.
A lot of my friends have been asking for photos. I'm sorry but I'm going to make you all wait until the actual comp day. Kinda like a biggest looser 'reveal'. I appreciate how hard everyone who competes in this industry works and they absolutely have every right to want to show off the fruits of their labours, but I am not the kind of person who wants a profile pic of their abs. I way prefer the one from that time I got hardout gastro from kissing that guy and blew out the vein that made my entire eyeball blood red for a week. Again, so hard to see why I'm still single....
So my lovelies, my wild ride is almost at the end. It's a bitter sweet feeling. This week I'd like my thank you shout out to go to Tiff & Phoebs. All of the crazy shit I've done since we've known eachother, you guys have been my constant quiet support. Whenever I feel myself faltering, I feel your steadying hands at my back, ready to catch me if I fall. Always there until the last in your subltle little ways~ thank you my darlings.  I couldn't have done this without you.

3 WEEKS OUT~ SHIT THIS COZZIE IS PRETTY SMALL, HEY!

Is it too late to change my mind? Yeah. It is. Last week was.....nothing short of hideous. I expected my energy levels to drop, but I never thought I'd feel so mind numbingly tired. Three o'clock seems to be the witching hour. Almost as if a switch gets flipped and functioning time is over. My limbs feel like they're made of lead, like I'm moving under water. I do get my second wind, but it's amazing how things you would never ordinarily do, become lifesaving tricks of the trade. Now I make sure I take my high potency vitamin B tablet after lunch. I do rely heavily on caffeine tablets and coffee. It no longer matters what time I have the last of these, by 8pm I'm totally rooted and nothing is going to keep me out of bed and snoring. I can't believe I've gone from having a cup of coffee every couple of days as a special treat to this!
I'm wrapped that my training has changed a little though. I was beginning to feel like I was living at the gym. No more post~weights cardio sessions to have to allow for! It wasn't unusual for me to be at the gym for three hours. My shower at home has never looked so good! I think I've only used it a handful of times in the last few months. So now I do 1hr of cardio on waking and before eating. My weights session generally takes me 45mins~ 1hr, and finally half and hour cardio before bed. Sooooo much better! Also last friday saw the last NRL team worked on for the season so I know I won't have at least 2 late night trips home from Brissie anymore either. Good timing! I think now is the time to really dig deep and decide how tough I think I am. I've had a sore inside my left nostril for the last two weeks that won't heal and my poor left eye is almost completely devoid of lashes (a life long stress impulse to pull out my lashes in full flight~ thank God I'll be wearing falsies on the day!) I'm trying to keep calm and believe everyone who says my legs and bum WILL come in. But just quietly I'M FREAKING THE FUCK RIGHT OUT! My bikini bums are TINY!!!! We use this stuff on the day called "bikini bite" which literally sticks your costume to you like glue, but I swear to God, I will loose my shit if I end up with an atomic wedgie while on stage.
It hasn't been all torture and sooks though. Saturday I got what's called a "refeeder" day. My muscles were starting to look a little flat from being carb depleted so as a super pleasent suprise, Kylie asked me to carb load to see if I cut in on the Sunday. All clean sources (oats, sweet potato and quinoa)....but sweet sweet carbs. Friday night I collapsed into bed at 8, so excited that when I woke up I would get to a relatively normal breakfast fro the first time in 7days. Bizaarly I woke at 10pm thinking it was time to get up for my walk....wondering why the hell it was so dark.I staggered around for a while looking for my cardio trainers before realising I was about 7hrs ahead of schedual. I fell back into bed with every muscle aching.  And starving. For the first time I was SO hungry I was uncomfortable and couldn't go back to sleep. To have to get up and go for an hour walk before breakfast was torture~ but I think a suffering completely of my own devise, because it has never bothered me before. I tried to make them last. But they just tasted SO good. So GOOD. To be honest I pity anyone who has to share a meal time with me at the moment. It's nothing short of a disgusting display of raw eating power....Training my back, I felt like She~Ra Princess of Power. I'm pretty sure I freaked a few people out at the gym with my general state of awesomeness....obviously got my sense of humour back as well after being such a sooky la la all week. Did I pull up leaner? I dunno. I don't think I can look at myself objectively anymore. I'm honestly putting as much energy into quieting the negative mind chatter as I possibly can. I do have faith in Kylie's opinion though, and she thought it worked so I'm doing the same again this week (Yusssss! Roll on saturday!). I'd like to put a special shout out to all the beautiful peeps who gave me encouragement on sunday when I was having yet another "moment". Those of you from the Coast know it was hot as a Nuns' and pure summer hit us over night. All I wanted was something cold and refreshing...you know, like a giant gelato or something. NOT water. Over. It. But so many of my friends picked me up when I was down~ I hope I get to return the favour one day. Also a very special mention to my most awesome trainer, Adam. He's ridden the Kia rollercoaster from day one~ each tuesday I'm sure he's a little nervous about just what he's going to get. Last weeks session started with a few quiet tears and ended with a kick in the nuts. No really. It was a total accident, but I still feel very bad...even if we did giggle for ages about it. Sorry dude!
So this week I shall endevour to do my best to harden the fuck up. Nobody is holding a gun to my head over this. I know I'm going to be tired. But I promise not to whinge! "Self pity is the acid which burns holes in our own happiness." To infinity....AND BEYOND!

4 WEEKS OUT~ BUT WHO'S COUNTING?

Drum roll please! Last week I had my Bioscan and the results were pretty encouraging. 11% body fat and (thank heavens) NO loss of muscle mass. I'm still hoping to achieve 7% but only those more educated than I in the ways of this process will be able to say whether that will happen or not. All I know is my diet as of today is pretty freaking ordinary....if it's not white or green~ it ain't on the menu. Words cannot describe how happy I was to discover Woolies is stocking cartons of pure egg whites again. Standing in the frozen section clapping my hands and shouting, "SCORE!"....I really shouldn't be allowed out unsupervised at the minute LOL! Gone are my beloved morning oats and my much cherished protein shakes. It's amazing how something that was initially so gag~worthy becomes your most favourite meal of the day. I'm just so relieved to be heading into this final stage though, I really could be told to eat shit on toast and I wouldn't care. I just don't want to muck it up now with lack of discipline.
Those of you who see me on a regular basis know that I am a major fan of jumpsuits. I've got them in all different styles and I defy anyone to tell me that it is inappropriate for a 35year old to be rockin' out a Onesie. A side affect of a long and interesting life is growing old. No~one said anything about being obliged to grow up. So there. However.....it is now becoming apparent that my current lifestyle isn't convienienced by my choice of fashion. I mostly opperate on a one hour appointment schedual. My bladder, God love it, seems to be very happy with maintaining a 45minute rule. It's starting to become increasingly difficult to keep that certain sense of urgency from permiating the last 15minutes of each treatment. My poor clients! The last thing they see is me whipping the eye pillow off as I race for the door muttering they can take their time getting up as I'm frantically trying to un button/ zip/ lace whatever the hell I'm wearing. Sigh. It might be time to shelve my inner child until I no longer have to "Pee reeeeallllll bad!".
I actually hurt myself a little last week. I've started to concentrate on my leg shape a lot more, trying to get them to taper in. I've started using what I like to call the "Birthing" machine. For obvious reasons~ it's pretty much the most unflattering piece of equipment to use in the gym and can only be found in the "womens only" room, tucked against the stretch of wall that has no mirrors. You sit in it and either work your knees apart or together against weighted resistance. A clear indication that my brain is no longer firing on all cylinders, I began with abduction (knees apart) 57kgs...flipped the little knee pads and with no change to the weight tried to bring my knees together. There was a yelp at a frequency only dogs could hear and I knew straight away I'd done enough damage to make the rest of my week very uncomfortable. DAMMIT!!! I ruined my wednesday high intensity cardio~ the pain on push off trying to sprint uphill was so bad I only managed two reps before limping home. My two yoga classes were a case of finding my happy place and spending a lot of time in Down Dog. By friday mornings' sprint session I was almost affraid to try, but while it was certainly uncomfortable, it pulled up ok and although I spent a lot of time cupping my crotch, I got everything done. Needless to say today I was very mindful of what weight I was using!
I kind of felt a bit of spaced out anxiety this last week. There are other things in my life outside of comp that need my attention, but I feel like I've got a serious case of head-in-the-sanditis. I know they will all be waiting for me to deal with once it's all over with. I'm really not looking forward to it. However if this experience has taught me anything it's that "If nothing changes, nothing changes." Everything always works out for the best. I truely believe the universe never sets you up to fail. It's just that I don't like this feeling of there being a looming drama just waiting to unfold. For now I shall spend a lot more time in Warrior poses. "Warrior pose battles your inner weakness and win focus. You see that there is no war within you. You are on your own side, you are your own strength." Terri Guillimets.
I feel like I'm starting to pull my familiy and friends in tighter. I apologise just now if I seem a little clingy and needy! Not long now and I'll be back to my on the ball, lil Miss Independant self! It's a bit weird really too~ I'm finding I'm a tad obsessed with all things organic. Like everything that goes into my body is so clean, everything on the outside needs to be too. I've replaced all my skin and hair care with natural alternatives. My sunday morning ritual of going to the organic markets at Miami is absolutely the highlight of my week. Last sunday though, I felt for the first time I was being taken for a ride. $10.50 for four Lebanese cucumbers. WHAT THA FUCK! I'm sorry but that is ridiculous. Given the rate of knots I go through my greens, I think it might be time to reassess my shopping habits.....and head to Bunnings this sunday instead and bloody well grow my own!

So I guess all that's left to do now is stay in control.....focus....focus some more.....and keep my eye on that prize.

5 Weeks Out~ Serious Applicants need only Apply

Well my whole training regime feels like it's turned a huge corner. So much so, I feel it is necessary to place an advertisment for a "PUSH HER OUT OF BED~ER~ER". The applicant must be:

• Willing to be woken up at 5am every morning
• Strong enough to give me a heafty shove that will make me clear the bed instantly~ kinda like ripping off a bandaid. Failure to do so will result in a viscious tug~of~war for the sheets and a written warning.
• Have the skills of a Ninja to ward off any suprise snap kicks to the head from me in the unlikely event I can actually coordinate one. It is infact far more likely you'll have time to make yourself a cup of coffee before my toe could find it's way off the ground, but it pays to be prepared, you know what I'm sayin'?
• Be able to apply Deep Heat effectively and responsibly....don't make me remind you to wash your hands and don't touch your face~ your screams shall only be met with open disdain of your apparent incompetence.
• Be just enough of a hard bastard to ignore my whimpers and sooks, but caring enough to check my headphones are in the right ears (Did you know they actually make them left and right styles? So many questions answered, right there.) and my hoodie is sitting just right before pushing me out into the cold and dark for my cardio.

Salary is crap, as I can only afford to pay you in protein powder, but my bed is fabulous~ probably the best you'll ever sleep in and I have 1000 count sheets. I don't snore and I am so exhausted I can just about guarentee I won't even try to spoon let alone do the crocodile roll with the doona. Like the title says~ serious applicants need only apply. You can do so in writing either here or on my facebook page. Applications close midnight tomorrow~ he with the best shoving skills....wins.

These are the stairs of death.....this is the awesome view from the top. Reward enough, I think!

So it might come as some suprise to you all that, yes, I am infact single. I KNOW!... I wake up sometimes and think, "Shit. How the hell did I end up here by myself?".  Normally I don't even really mind, but just lately, a strong shoulder to lean on would come in pretty handy. I remember when I very first decided to do this and I rang one of my oldest, most loved friends to tell her.  Her reaction wasn't quite what I was expecting....there was a bit of silence....then a whisper, "Oh my God, you're  never  going to get a husband". Now before you all go crazy~ the woman has a point. When I'm not training, I'm working. When I'm not doing either of those, I'm eating or sleeping. I have no boobs left, I'm not great at maintaining a conversation for longer than 5 minutes, and physically, I'm going to be better at just about everything than a dude because as yet, I havn't lost my womanly powers of multitasking. Yeah~ now I don't think that sounds so flash, do you? I think my friend was more concerned that I was getting into bodybuilding, not understanding that sculpting is something different entirely. I think I went off on this tangent though to make the point that as I have been a chunky monkey, I have been a normal and healthy weight and now I am going to spend the next 5 weeks really taking my body to the limit~ I really don't think how you LOOK determines how someone feels about you. Do you agree or am I being naive? I don't think so. I'm blessed to have a tonne of awesome male friends who love their women and treat them like they're gold and I look to their example for inspiration....there is hope for me yet!
Anyhoo~ back to my training. Everybody has seen the Rocky movie where he sprints up the stairs and does a little cheer for himself when he gets to the top, hey? Wednesday saw the beginning of my stair and sprint training. I actually LOVE this kind of training. Three months of stationary bike and stairmaster was starting to wear thin. So I wednesday I practically flew up those stairs, cheering myself each and every time I made it to the top. For the first set of ten, anyway.  The second set I had a stitch, I was really sweaty, my legs felt like lead on the way up~ jelly on the way down....and all I could manage was a feeble "Yay me" arms flailing wildly around my head. By the time the next morning arrived I was in 7 different kinds of pain~ none of them were fixed by Deep Heat, scalding epsom baths or gentle rub outs. Friday Adam text me and said we were doing another session. I actually was having difficulty putting my heels down to walk, but didn't want to look like a total sook, so off we went again! It never ceases to amaze me that it doesn't matter how hard I'm sucking in the big ones~ I'll always find the energy to give lip...when will I learn?
I also started a course of Bikram yoga as my high intensity work out. I actually did a few classes a couple of years ago when I was training to do the half marathon and it was a huge mistake. I am a yoga instructor now, so I see the error of my ways, but at the time I didn't realise how hypermobile I was making my joints and overstretching my hami's lead to a tear which has ruined my running for ever. So it was with a bit of trepidation that I once again embarked on this furnaced experience. To be honest I am just craving the heat. Whilst the permanent chill in my feet and hands has subsided with the coming of spring, at night time I still feel the icy hands of winter splaying over my back and permiating my kidneys. The first time I went I had this crazy little Japanese guy who stood on the instructors box, clapping madly and barking instructions like a drill sargeant. This time I had a lovely more ethereal lady teacher who made me feel less like I was being abused. The first time I went was at the old studio, where the carpet was drenched with previous classes sweat and tears. The stench slapped me in the face and sucked away my breathe before the 37degree heat did. As I lay down trying to stifle my gag reflex I was also bizaarly aware of the fact that although it reeked....it was actually also kinda sexy....I blame the trapped pheremones in the carpet. The second time~ new studio, new hypoallergenic carpet and far less pong. And I loved it! It makes me think of when I was a kid and you'd lie in the sun and watch it dance behind your eyelids, hear your blood rushing through your veins, feel the heat work it's way to your bones. There is such a sense of calm when you have the opportunity to lay down and "listen to the warm". I'm also stoked that my sweat flows like water. I have kept up with taking the repulsive Super Greens and all my other little lotions and potions so I'm happy that my system is so clean, there is no acrid smell. Did you know also, that when you start to burn protein (ie:muscle!!!) you're sweat can start to smell like amonia? That's something you should be aware of and maybe it will help to understand that while low intensity cardio is painful and boring as hell, if you work too hard, you're only going to detriment all that other hard work you just did smashing yourself with weights in the gym!
Diet wise~ lets get serious. I am upping the anti on my no carb days and coping ok, I will start dropping out so much of the red (beef and roo) meat and even chicken (won't miss it~ sooooo over it) and stick to mostly egg whites and white fish. Maybe now is a good time to start warning people of my inevitable absent-mindedness. I'm usually totally on the ball, but lately I have started to forget stuff. I'm feeling incredibly time~poor. It's a bit stink really, when you feel harrassed by your own life! HAHA! Not long to go now, peeps. The hard part is just beginning, but I'm also deliciously aware that I am on the downhill slide. It's a bitter sweet feeling to be honest! Buuuuuuut ~ BRING IT! I'M IN IT TO WIN! Woooooop!