I spent an inordinate amount of time sat on my shower floor, feeling the water beat down on my back. Not wanting to turn off the heat that was soothing me to my bones. I feel like as much as the week before I was clinging everyone to me, last week I just wanted to be by myself and find comfort in my routine. I'm sick of talking about my body. Sick of talking about what I'm eating (or rather not eating). Sick of seeing my veins but not my abs. Sick of constantly cooking and eating and not feeling fullfilled. Sick of taking pills and powders. Sick of it all really.
Then on wednesday I had a truely life defining moment. I had been hungry ALL day. By now I'm actually over eating~ it's nothing pleasurable, just something I have to do every three hours. But wednesday I'd gotten up at 4:30am to get to the gym in time for a spin class because my legs were so sore from mondays weight session that I knew I wouldn't be tough enough on myself to do a proper sprint session. I got to 3pm, my usual crash and burn time and sat on my couch staring into space knowing I still had hours of massage to go. I got into my car and because I know exactly what each of my parents have in their pantries at any given time, drove to my dads house where I knew he had a stash of dried fruit for his morning muslie. I ate 6 dried apricots and 4 dates. Yes, that many~ I counted them as they went in. Did I walk straight into the bathroom to sick them back up? Sure I did. Then I caught myself in the mirror. I thought, "If I do this, if I actually make myself vomit, it will change everything that I thought I was doing this competition for." I did not sign up for this level of mindfuck. Granted one of my own making, so then also my choice to leave the apricots and dates where they were (and I made it through my afternoon feeling normal for the first time in days) and elect instead to do an extra hour of cardio that night before bed.
Every friday I massage a gorgeous elderly man who loves to clip articles from the paper for me that he thinks I might find of special interest. A couple of weeks ago he had a piece on women who get into body building/ sculpting later in life. There was a 29 year old, 36 and 50 year old. All amazing looking women who had worked extremely hard to achieve their goals. But the 36 year old said something that horrified me. She said her husband eats what she eats, except with carbs (ie: healthily). Her kids get an entirely different menu altogther....but sometimes, as a special treat she allows herself to eat the crust off their toast.....If I EVER say anything so retarded as that ~ please let one of you love me enough to put a bullet in my brain.
I think my friend Bridget said it best this morning when she said that we often shy away from our own success. Like we are comfortable with putting in all the hard work but then get freaked out by the reward and just when we're on the brink of greatness....we drop the egg and can't put Humpty back together again. Also this morning from one of my facebook friends :
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world.....As we let our light shine we unconciously give others permission to do the same, we are liberated from our own fear." Am I afraid? I don't know. I hadn't really thought about it like that. But why else would I be so close to walking away from something that has taken 16 weeks of my life to prepare for? So now I pray for courage. Not the absence of fear or despair~ but the strength to conquer them.
This is the week of "lasts" for me. I can feel very excited about that! My last legs session today. Happy days!!! Adam was all like,"Are you ready for this?" and I was all bluff and bravado, "Hell yeah, show me whatchoo got!" Jesus wept~ I forsee another morning spent with the Spin class freaks on wednesday because my legs are already siezing and refusing to cooperate with what the rest of my body is doing. Seriously, am I the only one who thinks people who LOVE RPM are a different breed? Crazy people sitting in the dark under blue lights, listening to banging tunes, riding their bikes to nowhere....Unfortunately I also have to spend daily quality time with the stairmaster for the next two weeks. C'est la vie if you want an arse you can crack nuts on.
Things that have given me the utmost pleasure this week...my make up trial. I could have felt those brushes tickle my face for hours. I've booked my nails, my tan and in liu of any birthday celebration on wednesday, I'm going for a facial, back massage and haircut tomorrow. My skin is tingling just at the thought of these precious little luxuries. I just hope I don't sleep through the whole bloody lot!
The sunday night once it's all done and dusted I'm having everyone back to my place for a feast. The theme~ THE LAST SUPPER! If you could bring just one meal that is your absolute favourite, what would it be? Anyone who brings white fish and salad greens gets a free punch in the face. For myself, I've decided on prawns, oysters kilpatrick, anything my sister makes and as my desert request......ah mah God~ it could possibly be the promise of these that gets me through the next two weeks ~medjool dates stuffed with fresh pineapple and dipped in dark chocolate...chilled. Hell to the yeah, I've put some thought into this!
A lot of my friends have been asking for photos. I'm sorry but I'm going to make you all wait until the actual comp day. Kinda like a biggest looser 'reveal'. I appreciate how hard everyone who competes in this industry works and they absolutely have every right to want to show off the fruits of their labours, but I am not the kind of person who wants a profile pic of their abs. I way prefer the one from that time I got hardout gastro from kissing that guy and blew out the vein that made my entire eyeball blood red for a week. Again, so hard to see why I'm still single....
So my lovelies, my wild ride is almost at the end. It's a bitter sweet feeling. This week I'd like my thank you shout out to go to Tiff & Phoebs. All of the crazy shit I've done since we've known eachother, you guys have been my constant quiet support. Whenever I feel myself faltering, I feel your steadying hands at my back, ready to catch me if I fall. Always there until the last in your subltle little ways~ thank you my darlings. I couldn't have done this without you.
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