3 WEEKS OUT~ SHIT THIS COZZIE IS PRETTY SMALL, HEY!

Is it too late to change my mind? Yeah. It is. Last week was.....nothing short of hideous. I expected my energy levels to drop, but I never thought I'd feel so mind numbingly tired. Three o'clock seems to be the witching hour. Almost as if a switch gets flipped and functioning time is over. My limbs feel like they're made of lead, like I'm moving under water. I do get my second wind, but it's amazing how things you would never ordinarily do, become lifesaving tricks of the trade. Now I make sure I take my high potency vitamin B tablet after lunch. I do rely heavily on caffeine tablets and coffee. It no longer matters what time I have the last of these, by 8pm I'm totally rooted and nothing is going to keep me out of bed and snoring. I can't believe I've gone from having a cup of coffee every couple of days as a special treat to this!
I'm wrapped that my training has changed a little though. I was beginning to feel like I was living at the gym. No more post~weights cardio sessions to have to allow for! It wasn't unusual for me to be at the gym for three hours. My shower at home has never looked so good! I think I've only used it a handful of times in the last few months. So now I do 1hr of cardio on waking and before eating. My weights session generally takes me 45mins~ 1hr, and finally half and hour cardio before bed. Sooooo much better! Also last friday saw the last NRL team worked on for the season so I know I won't have at least 2 late night trips home from Brissie anymore either. Good timing! I think now is the time to really dig deep and decide how tough I think I am. I've had a sore inside my left nostril for the last two weeks that won't heal and my poor left eye is almost completely devoid of lashes (a life long stress impulse to pull out my lashes in full flight~ thank God I'll be wearing falsies on the day!) I'm trying to keep calm and believe everyone who says my legs and bum WILL come in. But just quietly I'M FREAKING THE FUCK RIGHT OUT! My bikini bums are TINY!!!! We use this stuff on the day called "bikini bite" which literally sticks your costume to you like glue, but I swear to God, I will loose my shit if I end up with an atomic wedgie while on stage.
It hasn't been all torture and sooks though. Saturday I got what's called a "refeeder" day. My muscles were starting to look a little flat from being carb depleted so as a super pleasent suprise, Kylie asked me to carb load to see if I cut in on the Sunday. All clean sources (oats, sweet potato and quinoa)....but sweet sweet carbs. Friday night I collapsed into bed at 8, so excited that when I woke up I would get to a relatively normal breakfast fro the first time in 7days. Bizaarly I woke at 10pm thinking it was time to get up for my walk....wondering why the hell it was so dark.I staggered around for a while looking for my cardio trainers before realising I was about 7hrs ahead of schedual. I fell back into bed with every muscle aching.  And starving. For the first time I was SO hungry I was uncomfortable and couldn't go back to sleep. To have to get up and go for an hour walk before breakfast was torture~ but I think a suffering completely of my own devise, because it has never bothered me before. I tried to make them last. But they just tasted SO good. So GOOD. To be honest I pity anyone who has to share a meal time with me at the moment. It's nothing short of a disgusting display of raw eating power....Training my back, I felt like She~Ra Princess of Power. I'm pretty sure I freaked a few people out at the gym with my general state of awesomeness....obviously got my sense of humour back as well after being such a sooky la la all week. Did I pull up leaner? I dunno. I don't think I can look at myself objectively anymore. I'm honestly putting as much energy into quieting the negative mind chatter as I possibly can. I do have faith in Kylie's opinion though, and she thought it worked so I'm doing the same again this week (Yusssss! Roll on saturday!). I'd like to put a special shout out to all the beautiful peeps who gave me encouragement on sunday when I was having yet another "moment". Those of you from the Coast know it was hot as a Nuns' and pure summer hit us over night. All I wanted was something cold and refreshing...you know, like a giant gelato or something. NOT water. Over. It. But so many of my friends picked me up when I was down~ I hope I get to return the favour one day. Also a very special mention to my most awesome trainer, Adam. He's ridden the Kia rollercoaster from day one~ each tuesday I'm sure he's a little nervous about just what he's going to get. Last weeks session started with a few quiet tears and ended with a kick in the nuts. No really. It was a total accident, but I still feel very bad...even if we did giggle for ages about it. Sorry dude!
So this week I shall endevour to do my best to harden the fuck up. Nobody is holding a gun to my head over this. I know I'm going to be tired. But I promise not to whinge! "Self pity is the acid which burns holes in our own happiness." To infinity....AND BEYOND!